Monday, 30 September 2013

Day 17: Tierra de los muertos

I suppose after all that, I've resolved all the troubles of every person in this world.  Except for those people for whom I'm the direct cause of their troubles but we don't worry about those people so much.

We don't worry about them because they're all dead.

I've had a thing in my quest log now saying that I should join the Dawnguard so I figured I should check it out and justify my purchase of the DLC.  It'd be a shame not to.  Besides, since I installed this thing every town has been plagued with vampires, which is kind of like when you buy the pet expansion for the sims and suddenly a raccoon comes and knocks over your bins in the night.  Vampires are basically vermin.  Dragonbjorn has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to things like this, especially when there's a chance of some socially acceptable genocide.

So onward, to Fort Buffy!

Jesus, this place is nice!

I mean just look at it!  I want to side with these guys, they've got some cash!  I've bought the most expensive house in the world and this just makes it look like crap!

Now I had one big concern when I installed the DLC packs but these were quickly swept from my mind.  Rest assured, dear reader, that the Skyrim DLC has a WHOOOOLE lot more talking in it.  I think this is probably fine because while people talk about politics and the state of the country now that the vampires are here, I can leave Dragonbjorn staring into space while I have a few sweets or a beer.

The Dawnguard seems to consist initially of one very, very angry man.  He hates everybody but unlike Dragonbjorn, he's not enough of a go-getter to act on his emotions.  He just sits in his castle and shouts at people and I didn't care for him very much so I ignored his passive aggressive comments and looked around his castle for a while.  The grates in the above picture are interesting.  They lead to little pools of water which is very nice and relaxing until you realise that there isn't anywhere for the water to go.  It's just sat there.  Unless he's changing it every day, I daresay it reeks in there.  He doesn't look like the kind of man who does his own cleaning, either.  He looks like the kind of man who thinks that housework is beneath him but doesn't want to hire a cleaning staff because he has too much of a sense of entitlement to want to actually pay for something like that and so just sits in a growing pile of his own filth and blames everyone else until the council has to evict him and hire a team of guys to clean the place until it's inhabitable again and I BET HE'S AN ELF.

Well... at least the assassin horse isn't the most horrible thing in the world any more.  And I'm expected to kill these.

So I had to go to some place and investigate a ruin or something.  The details escape me but then, that's all we do here.  Investigate a ruin, kill everyone, take all the things, go home and add all the money to a big pile.  I mean, I'm dragonborn(TM) so I may as well act like a dragon.  So fine, I do the usual, kill the guys, pull all the levers and investigate the mysterious button.  Textbook stuff.

Oh shit.  Why is everything engulfed in purple balefire now?!  I am not taking responsibility for this!  It was so totally like this before I even got here.  Still, while I'm here, might as well push around the decorations because I sure as hell ain't going to leave until my quest objective is complete.

Now I'm not an expert but I'm cleeearly achieving something here.  There are things I can push and they get set on fire when I push them right.  I don't know why Nordic puzzles were design for ages 3 and up.

Welp, there was a lady in there.  And she's not dead so she doesn't need to breathe, eat or drink.  And she's been underground for years without getting rickets.

Yeah... this seems like somebody I should kill.

And she's carrying an elder scroll.  She is carrying literally the most important thing IN THE ENTIRE WORLD.  I don't understand why I didn't try to stab her.

She took me home to meet her dad.  Her dad turned into Khorne and then asked if I wanted to become some kind of monstrous demigod.  I politely declined because while I like killing people, drinking them is weird.  Eating them that one time was okay because it was a quest.  If I ever install Hearthfire and someone offers to give me 100 gold to eat my own child, I'll do it because it's a quest and you have to do quests.

So let's think this through:

  • She's a vampire
  • I kill vampires because it's funny
  • The entire point of this DLC is "annihilate or join the vampires"
  • Her dad is a demon of some sort and turns other people into demons
  • She's carrying an elder scroll

I'm that guy now!  That guy in the sci-fi movie who sees the xenomorph coming and tries to talk to it to further inter-species relations!  You know what happens to him?  BAM, alien foetus embedded in his brain!  It'll be like Darkseed but without the cool biomechanical body horror.

Man, I like the art style of Darkseed.  You should go look it up on youtube.  Seriously, just go and do it.  It's okay, I'm not going anywhere.

You done?  Good, isn't it?

Where were we?  Quests.  Yes.

The only time you don't do quests is if you have a branching path in a quest that opens up more quests but cuts off other quests.  Like the stormcloaks.  I can never become high grand wizard of the stormcloak rebellion because I decided to join the empire.

I brought some magic wolf stick to the companions and the nice lady started praying to it.  I can respect people's beliefs to a degree, sure, but...

Look dear, it's a stick.  It's a really old stick.  Maybe we should put it away now.

Kneel before DragonZod!

Then I realised that while she was praying, she wasn't touching the ground.  Either this is hilarious or she's like Dhalsim but I think that's not the case because she doesn't have like a 30ft reach with her arms and she can't use that yoga fire thing.

Seriously, yoga fire.  I've never associated yoga with fire.  It's such a quiet, calm thing.  Should have had Dhalsim use Zumba Fire or something because at least that'd kind of work.

Except that he's from India.  And comparing zumba to yoga is probably really disrespectful to people who use yoga for meditation.  I feel a little bad, now.

I'll just thing about how much I hate zumba.  That'll set things right.

Wow, Whiterun is super low-res from the outside.  I bet that's what happens when you load.  Everyone runs around scattering textures everywhere and puts back all those potion bottles and stuff that I left in there.

I thought I should fix my werewolf problem because I think lycanthropy is probably classed as an STD and I'd like to have sex with my imaginary wife at some point without her turning into a horrible slavering beast partway through.  I mean, I'm just not into that kind of thing.  So messy.  I summoned my wolf spirit for a fight.

It promptly ran away from me, rose into the air unexpectedly and suddenly remembered it was meant to be killing me before running up for a fight.

Yep.  Yep, that's Dragonbjorn's spirit alright.

What's this?  A subterranean forest, massive, ornate, golden art, horrendously complex locking mechanisms?  Gee, this must be dwarven!  And I got reminded partway through this quest that the dwemer are actually a race of elf!

That's why they're all idiots!

Sure glad I worked that one out, now my racism is totally justified.  It's always okay to be racist against elves.  And any peoples who we are on friendly terms with.  Like I think it's okay to insult people from Scotland and America because everyone seems to accept that it's okay for them to insult us too, so long as you're not malicious about it.

Hey, this thing's the Forgemaster?  I think I gave your fingers to an orc a little while back, dude.  They were gloves or something.  He seemed super happy that I found them.

I don't care if magic is dangerous, unstable, unpredictable or impractical.  It looks friggin' sweet.  I mean, what's more awesome, two guys on motorcycles having a chain fight or two wizards having a duel from atop the backs of gold and silver dragons over a ravine with two full moons in the background and maybe a wolf.  The wolf's wearing a chainmail bikini.

Fantasy art is pretty boss, too.  Especially ironic, overblown fantasy art.

The ranger man that I brought back to be part of the scooby gang took a nap.  I realised that he wasn't supporting his head on anything.  Either he's prayed to the wolf bone too or else he's going to have the mater and pater of stiff necks in the morning.

I accidentally bought a combat troll.  I couldn't work out what to do with it so I told it to piss off and it was quite okay with that.  It was actually sort of satisfying.

Oh, okay, so this is what's inside an elder scroll.  Yyyep.  Yep, that's a whole lot of nothing, huh?  Certainly don't see any words or coherent imagery in there.  All you people who read these things are just con artists, aren't you?  This thing looks like someone tried to write down the molecular structure of unobtainium or whatever.

You know what else I hate?  Avatar.  Hate it.  I was rooting for the humans halfway through.  "Hey, we'd like to give you school and education and civilisation and exposure to new cultures and stuff".  "NO, ALL WE NEED IS THE INTERNET TREE"

Bloody xenophobic cat arse...


The moth priest reads the vampire lady's elder scroll as the vampire lady carries her...

You didn't even give him the real scroll, did you?  I bet you wrote the one he's reading.  Wrote it so you could have a little laugh to yourself about how stupid we all are while you sleep upside down in your coffin tonight.  Gosh, I bet you'll be beside yourself.  I'm glad for you.  Really.  'cause I'm just going to go home and mingle with society and sleep with my wife while you have to stay here along 'cause you're a social pariah on account of how you eat people and you can't even mingle with your own race because you betrayed them to help the Dawnguard.

How's that feel?

It's okay though.  You can always go and mingle with the elves because they don't have any friends either.  You can spend your days making houses out of poo and having horrible demon elf babies.  Maybe when they're older I'll kill them and take their things.

Oh, sorry, I can't hear what's undoubtedly a scathing comeback because of how on fire you are.

She's a creepy lady, too.  She likes to bring everything I kill back to life.  I think she thinks she's helping but in reality, I just get confused as to where this one bandit came from and why he's literally begging me for death.  That's kind of nasty.  And what the hell are you hoping to achieve by resurrecting a crab?

Are you grinding your summoning magic or something?  'cause if you are, I'll stop giving you grief about this, I'm down with grinding.

Turns out that crossbow schematics are pretty much the same as elder scrolls.  This is further proof that elder scrolls are rubbish.  I've changed my mind, I don't care that she's carrying an elder scroll now.

Unless this is what a schematic looks like to Dragonbjorn because he's illiterate.  That would... Jesus, that'd actually be really clever.

It's hard to be afraid of a vampire's castle when you've apparently chosen the most gorgeous day in living memory to visit Skyrim.  It's like if you ran into Freddy Krueger in the produce aisle at Morrison's.  He's not going to do anything, he's just stocking up on lemons.  That's not scary at all.

'kay, so your mum built a Stargate in the floor.  Right.  Look, just because it looks magical doesn't mean that your mum didn't just build a silly circle into the floor and chant at it while burning incense in the hopes that she'd be taken to Hogwarts.

Oh, right.  Yeah, alright, she knew what she was doing.

Riiight.  So you want me to hand over my soul to you and step into the burning purple portal to hell in the floor.

Look lady, last time I tried this?  Not a good result.  I literally died (I assume) and went to heaven.  And this looks like a far less friendly portal.  So you actually want me to go in there so we can talk to your crackpot mother in the land of the dead.

She's in the land of the dead, love.  That means she's dead.  I do not want to go to the land of the dead because I've single-handedly made an awful lot of people dead.  They are unlikely to be friendly when I see them again.

Oh yeah, make it a quest.  Force me to go in.  Sure, because that's fair.

I will wear your bowels as a hat before this day is through my dear, don't you worry.


Grey fog everywhere!

Ghosts complaining that they're lonely everywhere!

Skeletons everywhere!

Soul plants everywhere!

You're laying it on a bit thick here guys, JUST SAYIN'.

This place actually wasn't so bad.  Interesting architecture.  In general though, it's boring as hell.

Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain?

See?  Interesting architecture.  Not... fascinating, but interesting, sure.

Won't you cooome?

And it's full of giant laser crystals.  Crystals are cool.  Lasers are cool.  Laser crystals are inherently quite amazing.

He's made of smoke.  What's keeping the armour up?

Spoilers?  Magic.

Oh good, either the thing that killed Tasha Yarr came back or else we're about to indulge in a quick game of Super Dragonbjorn Sunshine.

I am a viking, wearing the bones of a dead dragon riding atop a rearing, skeletal horse with a mane of blue fire through the bleak landscape of limbo, using my dragonbone sword to slay jet black skeletons.

You will never be this metal.

For a lady who's thousands of years old, you're looking pretty well, Mrs. Vampire Lady's Mum.

By the way, your daughter?  Yeah, she's going to be dead soon.  You'd best be careful because I don't like the cut of your jib, either.

Another dragon skeleton.  I've since realised that dragonrend doesn't hurt bone dragons.  I guess it affects their muscles.  Skeletons don't have muscles, you see.

Oh, a set of doors hundreds of feet high in a land where the tallest person is only 6 feet or so?  I think the afterlife was built by the dwarves.



Aaand now the zombie dragon is in the real world.  This was either a really bad idea or the best idea and I'm genuinely not sure which.

Oh, come on.  You're not even blind, you're just buying time until you can make up some crap to read from one of your imaginary scrolls.

Look, I'll do it for you.  You can keep this:

"The scroll foretells of the coming of a giant of fire from the very bowels of Nirn.  You must travel to Ashenspire Peak and await a sign from Pyrolax, the fire goddess who will tell you how to avert the coming of the great immolator".

See?  Easy.

I don't like dogs, but huskies are the best things.  That's not my sneak indicator you can see.  That's Dragonbjorn's eyes widening in the face of the most adorable thing in Tam'riel.

A bandit chief, still running into battle even though she's been fully impaled by three icicle spears.  That's actually pretty badass.  Almost enough to allow her to live once she started begging for mercy.


Yeah, zombie dragons have that tiny second face but it's not as cute as regular dragon faces.  It's more... drippy and putrid.

Thought for the day:


Sunday, 15 September 2013

Day 16: A brand new day

Well, the world is basically safe now so I guess I can basically take a vacation or something?  That'd be swell.  I haven't slept or eaten for like 3 months now so this'll be pretty good for me.  Let's just go home and...

Oh, hey guys.  How's it going?  You're looking for a Dragonborn?  Well yes, that's me, what can I do for you?

Oh.  Oh, so it's going to be like that.  Fine.

If you buy the DLC to this, be warned that if you buy all the DLC at once, these guys will come up to you and summon some monsters.  At the same time, a nice man will come up to you and insist you join the Dongguard.  Which yes, thanks, that's great but I'm currently ON FIRE and these guys are trying to wreck my shit right in the middle of town, so if you could just give me a sec?


Well, I suppose your problem is important too... Just a sec, then.

The cultists were dealt with.  I left their bodies in town as a reminder to the populace of what happens when you get in my way.  It's been weeks now and people haven't moved them, they just cry a bit when they see a dead person on the floor.  It upsets the children especially.  They cry a lot.

Huh, so you guys are black allll the way down.  How 'bout that...

I'm not sure what I was expecting, really.  It's not like they're wearing the elven equivalent of Blackface.

I went inside a soul gem.  Having been in one, I don't feel so bad about trapping the souls of all those people because this is SERIOUSLY the most awesome place in the game.  Look at it!  It's a tiny world made of crystal hexagons!  And that guy doesn't seem to be hungry or lonely or anything, so I guess he has everything he needs.

Really, it's kind of a kindness.  At least if their soul is here it can't go to Oblivion.

Ah, blue gas.  Guess it's time to go to sleep.

I love sneak.  It makes people die in such profound ways.  I don't know if these two were lovers when they were alive (undead, whatevs) but I've decided that they are now.

Man, you bloodsuckers are such a pain in the neck.


Then I became a werewolf.  True story.  I tried drinking some cure disease potions but that didn't have much of an effect.  I guess the disease of lycanthropy isn't a disease... 'kay.

They were all urging me to embrace the beast inside and all the rest of it.  I don't know, I think they just knocked me out and put me in a fursuit.  Although I suppose they aren't furries 'cause you'd expect one of them to be a dragon, because there's always a dragon at furry conventions.  I think.  I decided not to eat anybody (which seemed to be the goal) and ran away to hide until I felt a bit better because werewolves scare people and I've already dammed the river Whiterun and left bodies for the children to play with.  There's only so much I can get away with as a thane.

This would be more of a touching scene illustrating the horrors of war and all that, except that A) I killed him so it's hard to feel bad about this and B) they're actually both dead.  And that's hilarious.

Dragonbjorn, you pick up the weirdest stuff.  You're keeping that in the same bag as your alchemy ingredients and your potions.  Those are going to be going in your mouth.  Think this one through, seriously.  Potions of cure disease and cure poison probably aren't going to help if they have rotten witch blood in them.

The king of the companions died.  Meh.  Then I got yelled at because "WAAAH, you weren't here to defend us in our hour of need even though there was no indication that our enemies would come to town, we have an entire city militia to defend us and we're a warrior guild!  Why were you going on a mission assigned by our leader instead of sitting here and waiting for us to be attacked?!".

Jesus.  The companions are a bunch of dicks!

I took their leader's body and put it on the big fire in the middle.  It seemed respectful.

Apparently the companions aren't programmed to recognise when you've moved their leader's body because they sat and mourned the carpet instead.  O... kay then.

They put a funeral pyre on the forge.  Well, it's a good size I guess?  I think you're supposed to, like, set that on fire though.  Hang on, I've got something for that...

'kay, a little firebolt has fixed that problem.  No, don't thank me.

I fixed that Stormcloak problem next.  That really upset everything in Windhelm but that's okay because they're racists and it's okay to be unpleasant to racists.  It's the only way they'll learn.  After all, you know what they say?  An eye for an eye gives the world a massive sense of clarity.

Ulfric fell over into a fire.  That's going to smell.  Better move him...

MUCH better.  And this throne really suits me!  You can see here that I also became the king of all blacksmiths and made some things out of dragon bones.  I'm now basically unstoppable.

This man will be named Hector Stacheman.  He has the most amazing facial hair that the world has ever known.

Went back a little while later.  They had a new jarl who actually seems like a good guy!  I can't help but notice that he's left Ulfric there, though... well... maybe it's an intimidation thing?  There seems to be a lot of unrest and "Hrumph, it was better the old way and why are you even talking to me?" around the dinner table.  And the smith is getting really pissy, too.


This bloody thing!

Don't let anybody tell you that it's not worth it because it really is!  I mean sure, it took about 5 hours to find it but I now have an infinite supply of flawless diamonds.  Sort of a shame I've already maxed my smithing.  And bought all the houses.  And have that achievement for 100k gold.

I'm genuinely surprised that there isn't a Steam achievement for getting this sucker.  Or for the dragon priest masks.

Oh look everyone, it's Molag Bal and he's here to tell you how he's sooo much better than you!

Because that's all he does!

"You dared to defy me?  I'm just going to torture you until you say uncle and kiss my scaly feet because I'm Molag Bal and I'm bigger than you.  Then I'll kill you and send you to hell where I'll bugger you for all eternity because I'm Molag Bal."

The daedra are, with few very exceptions, a bunch of self-important prats but this guy really takes the cake.  I think he might actually be an elf.

And here's Hircine, the daedric prince of Those Horse Masks That Are Sort Of Popular Online.

And the prince of... projectile vomiting, from what I could tell.  This guy... girl... thing... had the most disgusting worshippers.  And they talk to you through the medium of green smoking soup.  Certainly one of the weirder ones.  Even weirder than the lord of madness, and he's the friggin' lord of madness.

People were having bad dreams so they asked the mercenary to kill people until the dreams stopped.  Not practical, sure, but these people are proactive at least.  They find a problem, they try to solve it.  I wish more people in this world would resolve their problems with stabbing rather than telling me to gather 50 crimson bloodworts then talk to Brulf Oarmaker.  Quick and clean, y'know?  It's satisfying!

And if I get to break a few things along the way, all the better.

I apparently killed a bear so hard that he plunged his head into the ground.  DOVAHKIN.

A few minutes later, a completely unrelated bear got stuck in the ceiling, forced its way out of the floor and tried to attack me.  This should have been a sign that things were going to get a bit weird.

'kay, I hated this place for so many reasons.  Let's work through my issues together one by one, shall we?  It's good for the healing process!

  • It's far, far too long.  There were seriously like 4 distinct sections to this place and I had to go back to one of them 3 times.  I was just mopping up quests to try to get all the daedric artifacts, I didn't sign up for a marathon dungeon.
  • It's full of people who vomit green stuff at you from a great distance.  I've seen a lot of things in my life.  I've watched Braindead for God's sake.  You still can't tell me that this kind of thing is right.
  • All those pots of green stuff lying around kept confusing me and making me think I was playing Doom.  Which is kind of like playing Skyrim except your bow is better and you don't have to diplomacise with anything.

This place made me angry.  And the people in here were all hostile!  That's normally all I'm looking for!  It should have been great!

'kay, hold up now.  What are these plants for?  I can't see any way in which a plant would ever grow nodules of pus unless, say, they were planted in that same goop that made the Toxic Avenger into a household name.  What does the plant get out of this?  Do the seeds flourish in yellow goo?

So confusing.

I killed a giant.  He remained completely upright.  I tried to push him over but he couldn't.  Many years from now, his body will calcify and create a beautiful monument to my achievement.

I think that's how giants work.  They don't rot, you see.

Accidentally forced this guy out of his torture cage.  Take that, Molag Bal!  Who's the big man now?!

It's still you, isn't it Molag Bal?  That's fine.  I know my place.

Well, had to kill that guy too.  Now that the world has been saved, morality has become more of an opt-in philosophy rather than a requirement for participating in polite society.  It's kind of liberating!  This guy died in front of a sacrificial altar so I thought he should be on top of it or something.  Molag Bal didn't comment.  He's shut up a lot since he gave me his painstick.

So I gave things a little thought after I'd been travelling to find these cursed items.  I mean sure, adventuring is fun and profitable, but it's not very fulfilling.  I need something more in my life.

Dragonbjorn, let's find you a mate.

Appearance is everything in these matters.  As a renowned breaker of hearts myself, I should know.  Can't do anything about my smell, I've still got that lycanthropy thing so there's that... I'd better just get my finest finery and see what we can salvage.  I've got a decent speech score, so at least we can charm a lady.

Dawnbreaker?  Yeah, that's probably the nicest weapon I own.  Ladies love swords.  It's basically a scientifically proven fact.

Aaand we'll need a ring.  No problem, I've got that covered.  Diamonds?  No, too common.  This should do the trick.  She doesn't have to know I stole it from a dead lady at her own wedding.

I realise that in the game, there was an awkward but effective courtship for all of 2 minutes.  It was... sweet in it's way, I guess.  I still prefer to think that Dragonbjorn wandered up to her, breath like the underside of a oil tanker and forced the ring onto her finger while grunting unintelligibly.

When she responded to my advances, she did actually sound like she was crying.  And not with joy, either.  I know this can be an emotional time, though.  She did prattle on about life being short in Skyrim a lot.  I'm hoping that wasn't wishful thinking.

So, finery applied, it was time for the big day.

Lots of people came, but they didn't have anything useful to say.

The room was tasteful, elegant and wasn't pretentious while still maintaining a sense of style, uniquely its own.  Perfect.

Dragonbjorn was bearing the ceremonial quiver of his forefathers.  Handed down from Anvilsmith to Anvilsmith for many a generation, it's steeped in history and the blood of the fallen.

Dragonbjorn has chosen a bold ensemble here.  The combination of dead lady's wedding dress, dead lady's wedding ring and dead ancient nord's horned helmet are very striking, but the boots of the dead jester Cicero really set off the outfit.  I mean really, she's a very lucky lady.

After I went through with this marriage, she disappeared for a full two days.  I eventually found her and told her she could live in proudspire manor.  That seemed to calm her down.  I would have said that she was marrying me for the money, but I'm stealing her earnings so... yeah, that backfired, huh?  And she seems like a super nice lady.

As a werewolf, I gain no benefits from sleeping.  I will never share a bed with this woman.  It's probably for the best.  The world isn't ready for the pitter patter of homicidal little feet yet.  Plus, we cant have babies.  I didn't install Hearthfire.

This guy right here?  This guy beats Cicero.  I want this man to follow me and talk to me at all times, because he's what you'd get if you got Sean Connery hopped up on shrooms and gave him MAGIC.

I realised that he'd dressed me in new clothes.  I thought that was a nice touch.

Haha!  A tiny wee man has to fight a giant man now!  Look at them go!

Fight, tiny man!  I believe in you!  I believe in your cause!  You can do this!

Mildly embarrassed draugr.  Just picture this with the caption "Aw shucks, it weren't nothin'". 

The aurora borealis hung heavy in the sky, layered like one of those vienetta ice cream things.  You know the ones, with the crispy chocolate stuff on the top?  Like that, yeah.

I forget why this was important.

I collected a bunch of dragon priest masks.  My reward was another dragon priest mask.  You'll note that they've chosen the popular "pipe organ" display method.

I had a rummage through my ingredients chest.  It was a bit cluttered with useless potions (invisibility potion?  Please, I have 95 sneak).  I tried to take these to some shops but after clearing out the available cash of all of them and having only lost 100 weight of potions, it was time for some philanthropy.  I would find the most downtrodden looking person in town, someone who'd never asked for anything in return and I would reward them with tends of thousands of septim's worth of valuable balms and tonics.

She was not amused.  Shame.  Oh well.  We know what happens now, don't we kids?




Well, that takes care of everything.  Whiterun is ruined, the daedra are going to stop talking to people because they're out of loot to reward their champions with, the dragons are being culled and every dragon priest in the world is dead.  Shall we review our accomplishments, then?

  • Prince of thieves
  • King of the guild of furries
  • Lord of the dance.  Or bards.
  • Master assassin
  • Some kind of superwizard or something
  • Cannibal
  • Speaker to the dead
  • Champion of more than 10 distinct devils
  • World's greatest armourer and enchanterer
  • Impoverisher of orphans
  • War hero
  • Nobleman
  • Racist
  • Chicken slasher
So I suppose that's it.  Time to go deal with that vampire thing.  Are you ready?  I know I'm ready.  We're going to do this, you and I, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And by you, I mean you reading this blog.  Yes, you.  In the literal and figurative sense, we will plunder Tam'riel together, dearest reader!

You'd better bring some thermal undercrackers.

Thought for the day:

I'll stop hating elves when they give me even the slightest reason to stop hating elves.  Tra-la-la-lally.