Saturday, 26 October 2013

Day 18: A lovely rest

How're you doing?  Good?  I hope so.  I am.

Apologies for the lack of updates, I've been caught in the jaws of Cookie Clicker.  And Minecraft.  Normal service will resume shortly but for now, have a mini update.

So, where were we.  I've no idea.  It's probably not that relevant in the grand scheme of things because I'm only very loosely aware of the plot at any given time.  I just follow quest markers until I get given swords or people tell me I did a good job.  It's like a behavioural psychology study, really.  You feed the Nord a piece of cheese whenever he does a good job and soon he'll just try to please you in the hopes of getting more cheese, regardless of whether he even wants any more cheese.

And by cheese, I mean swords.  But not always.  I mean, I don't mean that when I go to Burger King or whatever although I would enjoy ordering a Whopper with extra sword.

What game am I playing again?

Oh, right, I'm playing Bethesda's adaptation of Raiders of the Lost Ark.  Here you can see that I've located the map room which is about to reveal to me the resting place of the Ark of the Covenant.  Once we've got that, we're going to melt so many Nazis.


If DragonBjorn ever did get the Ark of the Covenant, I'm not sure what he's do.  Probably either put it in the bard's college behind a door with "Free lutes" written on it or else he'd look into it.  A daedric prince would probably tell him to and he'd do it.

'kay, so I need to pick up a magic razor.  Well, that's fine.  A razor can be a handy thing on the road and it looks kind of sharp. 

And now we're shaving a tree.  I remember that this was plot relevant, that I needed tree bark for whatever mystical dream quest that I was about to embark on but really, it seems like the easiest way would be just to cut the tree down and hope that carrying a log around would have the same effect.  I mean, my sword is super sharp.

I don't care that it'd kill the tree.  This is Skyrim.  All we have is trees, mountains and poverty.  Plus, I don't really like trees that much.  I mean, they're okay, they're better than flowers but I'm pretty sure that they could be replaced with some kind of oxygen factory arrangement and we'd be in much the same position as we are now, just with more room for... well, useful 

New quest: catch some butterflies.  Seriously.  DragonBjorn EATS butterflies, he has a chest full of them, why do I need more?  Why are these butterflies even special?  They're butterflies!  What could one butterfly do that another possibly couldn't?!  Are these those butterflies that flap their wings and cause tsunamis on the other side of the world?

God, I hope that's the case.  'cause if they are, I'm going to come back, collect 50 of them and become a supervillain.  People will have to pay me in beer, gold and comely maidens or I'll destroy their countries with lightning and fireballs.

Magical bark makes you glow and I will not hear any arguments to the contrary.  This makes perfect sense.


Oh, look, it's another one of those things that I can't read or I'll go blind, my eyes will fall out and I'll go mad.  Unless I'm part of the super secret priests club.

You know, it occurs that the moth priest may have only told us he was blind.  I think he's just trying to keep himself in a job and the whole blindness thing is just to reinforce his story.  I mean, this isn't so bad.  Glowy lines, weird symbols, it's kind of like if a spider psychologist created a Rorschach test.

Spider psychology is a very underappreciated medical field.  Those guy have issues too, y'know.

Yyyep, there's a whole lot of being blinded going on here.  I sure can feel myself going mad.

I'm going to kill every moth priest.  This is a scam and I need to make this right.  I'm doubting that the moth priests are priests at all.  I don't think they practice any kind of recognised religion at all.  They're like ye olde Scientologists, they have knowledge that you don't, they won't share because to have that knowledge would be "harmful" and they need a big pile of gold for the privilege.

Well, now my eyes are full of butterflies.  Which I can see.  Because nobody has ever been blinded by an Elder Scroll (TM).

Someone told me that nobody has been in this place for hundreds upon thousands of years or whatever.  Looks like elven technology hasn't advanced in the slightest since that time 'cause they left a lot of their crap in here.  They probably don't want to improve themselves.  After all, why do your own work when you can just have another race do it all while you sit back eating crumpets and drinking elderflower tea, discussing the finer points of philosophy and how all the other races are just so, so dirty and completely beneath you and your friends in your utopian society of art and culture and enlightenment.


Oh.  That vampire lady that's following me turned out to be the predator or something.

Knight-Paladin Gelebor.  What, could you not add "the fair and virtous" to the end of that, buddy?  I mean, you're a snow elf which is already a pretty la-de-da name for a race but I just don't think you're being ostentatious enough.

I know you're trying to help me but I hate you.  I hate you, I hate your poocrafting people, I hate everything you represent, everything you do and everyone you have loved or ever will love.  The rivers of Tamriel will run red with my rage, a rage that will not be silenced until I stand atop a pile of the bodies of every elf in this land.  This is my cause.  It is just, it is pure and it is most certainly justified.

Look at him.  Preening while the rest of his race are rolling around, blinded and gibbering in their own filth.  You see how much better he thinks he is than you?  He's never met you.  He's never met me.  He just knows he's better somehow.

Darkfall passage.  Yep, that sounds like it was meant to sound ominous.  Well, I never did forge Darkstab Soulsuck the ebony mancleaver, so I guess I could still name my house something grand and high-fantasy-relevant.

The Grimfrost Estate it is!

Yeah, nothing says "This is a dark place" like luminescent rocks.

Or giant glowing jellyfish mushrooms, those are good too.

I hate this part of the game so much.

Thought for the day:
I'm not a racist.  I'm not.  Really, I'm not.  I just hate the elves because they're demonstrably all bad people, even though I haven't met them all and Legolas seemed kind of okay.  Whatever.  Maybe he can live.

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