'kay, Skyrim, look. We need to talk.
You've given me a glass hammer.
The glass sword? Confusing, but I'll buy that, whatever. Glass bow? Well that's baffling, it won't flex at all but fine, you can have that too.
But a hammer?
Jesus H. Christ, I don't know why I bother with you.
Someone sent me to kill a guy or something. Look, at least 10 people have told me to do that now. Got to be honest? Whenever people tell Dragonbjorn to do anything now, I'm waiting for them to tell me the name of the location 'cause I know it'll be somewhere I haven't been to, it'll be a new dungeon to explore and maybe when I get the named item at the end of said dungeon, they'll give me some neat stuff. If I'm lucky, there's be a chest at the end of said dungeon with some more neat stuff. If I'm REALLY lucky, the NPC will be all like "Hey, I was in a war a while back and learned a bunch of stuff about alchemy. Here's a point in your alchemy skill, bro."
Most of the time they give me gold. That's cool too. So long as you pay me, I'll help with your problems, sure, just don't expect me to care that the sacred urn of Jurgen Helfgrun, thrice sainted high priest of Solemnhold was stolen by bandits by the light of the waning moon.
This was notable though, 'cause the guy was carrying two staffs. Maybe he's into that Nordic Walking thing. Seriously, look it up. Considering we're all vikings, that'd be pretty funny, actually!
I headed back to Rivendell. Or... River... Riverwood? Something. Whatever. I have a routine now, y'see, that once I've been on a couple of quests, I go to Riverbrook, dump all my gear at the smith then dump more gear at the Riverwell Trader and then travel to... Whiterun? Yes. I go there, dump more gear at the smiths, dump yet more at Arcadia's cauldron, dump more again at the store and then travel to Dragonbjorn Manor where I drop the rest in my chests, get drunk and yell at Lydia for living in my house again BECAUSE BY GOD WOMAN, WHY ARE YOU EVEN STILL HERE
Oh. A dragon invaded Riverwood and while I was fighting, the smith decided to lead a one-man kamikazee strike against it. It went as well as can be expected. However, it was a notable fight because the entire time I was fighting, the bard from the inn decided to help. He came out and sang Ragnar the Red like 3 times.
What could I do? Even in the confusion, I couldn't kill him or I'd accrue bounty and Dragonbjorn is a man of honour. I had to let the man sing and sing and sing.
Now when I got this letter, I had to look up who the chap was because I only remember Lydia's name. Then I found out he was the smith which was kind of a slap in the face, because there are only two NPCs in Riverwood that I care about, him and the Riverwood trader man. Rest in peace, you endlessly regenerating source of gold.
I sometimes go back to town to check on his widow and see how she's doing. She hasn't left the house in like 3 weeks and I think she might be dead or something. She sure isn't leaving the house to get food or empty the privy or anything. Maybe I don't want to go in there at all.
Then I went to the mages college and got turned into a cow.
Oh look! Now I'm a horse! Isn't that wacky? Isn't that a wonderful note of comic relief and certainly not riddled with all manner of questions like where did my armour go, how did I increase my mass so dramatically, how did my system cope with such an increase in size without me going into shock and dying, WHY DIDN'T -
Oh, hey. Thanks.
But could you turn me back into a horse? I think my carrying capacity would have been better and really, all I need to do is tie Stephanie to my head and I can still fight. Y'know, unicorn style.
Well I guess being a human is fine too...*
Ohhh boy. Yeah, this kid bears mentioning. Holy crap.
So I meet this boy 'cause I want to open up some quest options (I've given up on the plot at this point and I'm referring to the wiki to get the juicy quests. Honestly, it's not harming my experience). I break into his house and sneak up all quiet like to see him stabbing a corpse. And apparently he's been doing this for DAYS.
Well, the logical solution is to kill the child and avert what will, in 10 years or so, be an inevitable serial killing. This kid is clearly well beyond being several sandwiches short of a picnic, having gone so far that he's not even able to locate the wicker basket and camping chairs! But no, Skrim says I can't kill children.
Or pickpocket children.
Or blow them away with my magic dragon voice.
God, I'm a monster.
So we have a chat and he asks me to kill a lady who runs an orphanage. Y'know what? That's fine. I don't think I care any more. I mean, just about the only things I haven't done now are rape and torture and I think that's only because there aren't mechanics in the game to support those kinds of things (though I would draw the line at rape 'cause that's... that's just revolting, even if it is all land of make believe vikings). So alright, let's go kill the owner of an orphanage.
What could possibly go wrong?!
Why not kill her in front of half a dozen impressionable children?!
WHYNOT STAB HER IN THE FACE, PERMANENTLY SCARRING THOSE TENDER YOUNG MINDS FOR THE REST OF THEIR PROBABLY SHORT LIVES?!
But she was a total dictator, so it was all okay.
I was stood over her body, her assistant is all like running around and screaming "NO! Don't hurt me! I can't best you!" and stuff which was fine because she was a peasant and unless you're carrying a diamond, Dragonbjorn doesn't really care about you. Then this little girl approaches me.
She thoughtfully comments that one death can have an incredibly positive effect on the world.
Well CRAP. I can't undo THAT deed. Guess I'd better wait until she goes through puberty and kill her before she decides that she's God's representative on Tam'riel and has been chosen to purge the unbelievers or something. And I'd better kill that boy while I'm at it.
And anybody else who sees me do these things.
Look, let's just say that I'll have to depopulate this continent. That's fine, it'll help me level up my one-handed.
I went back to the boy who hired me to kill the angry old lady and he paid me with a plate, because I don't think he understands how money works. And he didn't have any money to begin with, so it kinda seems like this was his only possession of value in the entire world.
Impoverished an orphan. Yep, add that to the list.
And then there was this chap. He died, fell to his knees and balanced there. That's some unpleasant Blair Witch-level nonsense right there.
I don't remember who this was, but I think she was coming on to me. Acceptable I suppose, Dragonbjorn is a highly eligible stallion of a man. And the pope of the church of Hephaistos. And probably the richest man in the world. However, the dot on my Nordic HUD suggests that she was an enemy and that I probably stabbed her to death because if people aren't selling me things or giving me quests, chances are I'm stabbing them.
Once you simplify the world as much as I have, it solves all kinds of social problems. Really, it's very liberating.
So I went to see the Angel of the North or something. It's an angel and I'm about as north as you can get without falling off, so that seems right. I'd looked at my quest log and decided to follow up on that voice I heard in my head a while back. I've already indulged in lots of bad things today, so let's try a bit of schizophrenia.
OH CHRIST. JESUS CHRIST ON A BENDY BUS. WHAT HAVE I DONE NOW?!
Never mind, it's a named NPC so chances are it's not going to attack me. I guess Dragonbjorn has met and held counsel with the gods now, so there's that. That's kind of sweet. I'm glad I can't sneak up on it, because it certainly seemed to suggest it was omniscient. I tried to pick its pocket but it didn't have any pockets and it probably wasn't carrying anything I wanted, anyway. Knowing this game, it would have been carrying a set of fine clothes, some mead, an apple and a tankard. You see, by adding random items to a character, you flesh them out and give the impression that you're in a living, breathing world where people have normal lives that go on even when you're not there.
It's called immersion.
The worst thing is that someone will have been paid to make sure that each NPC who wasn't a dirt-poor farmer had some kind of narratively appropriate gear.
So anyways, this god comes up to me and is all like "Yo, my temple be all ruined, g! You'd best get all up in that sh*t and stoke my cred!" and I'm all like "Yep, that sounds like a quest, magic glowing ball!".
I went in there and she gave me a sword. All considered, it wasn't a bad sword but I'm already spoken for.
Promote your religion? No, thanks, really, I appreciate it and all but I'm not ready to become an avatar of Meridia. I'm already supporting Hephaistos.
I found this in a chest. The chest wasn't even on fire or anything. This suggests two things:
Chests are flame retardant.
Chests are not airtight and are therefore suitable hiding places and probably filled with loot midgets like in Borderlands.
Actually, I think I preferred Borderlands to this. Maybe day 12 will be set in Pandora.
I went to speak to some elf lady who said she wasn't the queen even though she so totally was. I don't know why you'd refer to yourself as "The Fair" unless you were horribly conceited, but I suppose she is the queen so she can do whatever. And she was sort of attractive. She wanted to talk about politics, so I decided to drop 350 kilos of Nordic fury on her head. Didn't faze her. Now THAT'S what I look for in a monarch.
Oh hey, the volleyball from Castaway wrote me a letter. Sweet, I love that guy!
I met an assassin. She seemed to be far too laid back about the whole thing. She forced me to kill someone while she watched which is a fetish I wasn't ready to indulge but the wiki said that I'd get good stuff from that quest line, so I guess it's time to abandon my morals yet again and become an assassin.
A demon summoning, vampire slaying, dragon born viking assassin.
I bet I can work cyborg pirate in there before the end of the game.
I stabbed the lizard guy to death because he sounded like he was enjoying himself. Can't have THAT from my victims, no sir. That's just weird.
I found an ent covered in bees. The kindest thing to do seemed to be to kill it, because it was covered in bees. Nobody wants that. Unless you're another bee.
I met a party of people on their way to a wedding. Well, the silly thing to do was to mention in front of Dragonbjorn that you were headed to a wedding and worse still, to mention you were bringing extravagant presents. But that's cool, I like gemstones. It's gonna be awkward when you go up to the bride and hand her an empty box as a gift. And then she'll get all angry and the groom will get all upset, then someone's uncle will try to console her but get a bit too close and she'll punch him and then there'll be a big fight and THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A HAPPY DAY, WHY DO I DO THIS TO PEOPLE?!
Oh, this little girl is a vampire assassin apparently. Despite her being 3000 years old, I couldn't attack her. No wonder she's a good assassin, she's got pre-pubescent invulnerability. I could do a lot more stuff if I were aged 6. Or a horse.
God, I wish I could have stayed a horse.
Oh, look, isn't that adorable? The assassin's guild has a big skull and a skeleton on the door. Just as well they're not the guild of midwives.
Went questing a bit more. Realised that whilever I'm picking a lock, I can also breathe underwater without any ill effects. I'm probably invulnerable, too. I think maybe my best bet is to get a chest, cut a hole in the bottom and put it on my head as a crude helmet. Then I can look at the unlocking interface all day and still get around and kill things.
I don't know what's funnier here. That they all died in the same place and their bodies fell in a pile, or that, upon seeing a dead body, two more of them came and stood in the same place, one after the other, to investigate how these mysterious arrow had apeared in their friends' bodies.
Actually, no. It's the pile thing. The pile thing is funnier.
But nowhere near as funny as this guy! MAN that's amusing!
The face of Bo? I don't know what this is. Apparently I need someone to follow me so I can cut my hand and open this thing. Well, makes as much sense as anything else I've experienced so far.
Some bad men were trying to summon a god. It looked like they might have gotten away with it too if it hadn't have been for that meddling Dragonbjorn.
I thought I'd jump up and down on their summoning ritual circle thing, because worst case nothing happens and best case, I get imbued with the powers of the wolf god. I'm not sure if the latter happened, but it might have. Seems plausible to me.
I went back to Whiterun after a while and finally did a google search to see why people have been asking why I look so sick all the time. Turns out I've been suffering from ataxia for a couple of months now. OH WELL.
Finally, we close on Mercer Fey, lord of the thieves' guild. Here, I've set off a fire trap because I'm cautious like that, and he's run into the flames. Now he's trying to pass the whole thing off like nothing happened, like he's still competent and fit to lead a group of wily con artist, thieves, forgers and general ne'erdowells.
The truth will out, Mercer. The truth will out.
Thought for the day
It'd save me a lot of time if all the people in each town who had problems would come to one place, form a queue and ask me to perform whatever service they needed. All this travelling around business isn't really a good use of my time.
*No it isn't.