Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Day 10: A step too far

Ah, Kitten!  Home of thieves and people who are upset because they live in the city of thieves!  And the entire surrounding area is full of giants and spiders and dragons so they can't even leave, not if they wanted to!

That's hilarious!

I met an angry man who told me to go away.  Douche.  Then I met a friendly man who promised to give me something if I framed another man for a robbery.  So now we can add that to the list of crimes.  It all seemed to be going quite well until a guard came and shouted at him.  Like an idiot, I watched.

Oh God, that's an axe.  Oh God.  Dragonbjorn, what have you done?!

This is too much.  Far too much.

Well, I thought I'd calm myself down with some shopping because that gave me a genuine pang of guilt when I met this guy.

 Those eyes.  Those hideous unblinking eyes.  Staring, watching, knowing.  No.  No, he knows too much.  He must be removed from the equation, it's the only way to preserve my reputation.  Killing is the best way now.  The only way.  Stephanie, you have slumbered long enough.

I went into the sewer to see the thieves because they're like the Ninja Turtles of something and have an awesome sewer base.  I killed this guy and he fell over prone which was sort of funny.

 Then I killed this guy and when I went to search him I found he was a named NPC.  This made me worried that I shouldn't have killed him.  That he would have spoken to me instead if I'd have given him the chance.  But no, a life of dreams, ambitions, all ended by my hand.  By my will.  I took him.


No mere Nord, Dragonbjorn, for you now are a GOD.

Oh my.  What have we here?  An... orphanage...


The thieves' guild was terrible.  All damp and leaking and stuff.  I decided to take all their things because it seems like what they would have wanted and they totally didn't complain or anything.

Then I went to a noble lady's house and found a summoning circle while I was stealing all her things.

I needed to get out of here.  This was a terrible place filled with evil and sin.  I could feel its impurity crawling into my mind, suggesting dark desires and terrible pleasures.  Riften, surely you are the source of all evil in this world.

I went into a dungeon to perform some good works and hopefully clear my soul of its taint.  I found a sword floating in the air.  I think it's an omen.

I then, on the instruction of my advisor and adventuring companion Mr Huntington proceeded to the bard's college because apparently they would teach me lots of things.  So they did.  They also sang Ragnar the Red all the f***ing time so I had to take corrective action.

Yep.  Not so clever now, are we?  Not so clever when I've taken ALL OF YOUR INSTRUMENTS AND THROWN THEM IN THE RIVER IN WHITERUN!  Ha!  Where's your bold hero now?!

I may have been a bit drunk at that point, but it seemed like a great idea.  Then I went back to the college and the instruments had respawned.

Friggin' wizards, I tell ya...

I went to see a lecture.  It was pretty funny, because if you stood at the lectern and looked at the students, you couldn't see them over the lectern.  And it's not like I'm a tiny person like Professor Flitwick, I'm a big strong warrior with thick boots.

 Another poop elf dungeon?  Why not?  This one had a shrine made of spider eggs so I defiled it.

I then took my ill-gotten gains back to whiterun and bought myself a house so I would have somewhere to store all my gemstones.  That was a good plan.  I paid the man to redecorate it for me and redecorate it he did.


And excuse me, but this is MY house, Lydia.  Dragonbjorn's!  Did I say you could come in, let alone hang out in MY bedroom?!  We're not even married!  Jesus, if I brought a woman home right now, which would be totally okay because it's my house and I'm a single man, what would she think?  How would I explain that?!  You're lucky that I've decided not to kill named people any more because otherwise I'd be paying the steward of Gondor up in Dragonsreach to build me a body dumpin' cellar!

Note to self, build body dumpin' cellar

 S... Stephanie?


What... what's happened to you, girl?  You...

Thor, why hast thou forsaken this simple man?!  I only tried to save this world and I've faced nothing but temptation after temptation!  I'm a mortal man, I can only resist for so long!  And then you punish me, you corrupt and you twist the only thing that truly matters to me in all of Tam'riel?  Except for my flame atronach which I'll marry when I'm in Hell.

Well, whatever.  Thor's not exactly a reasonable sort of guy, I think, so he was probably going to kill me at some point.  Might as well get my blaspheme on now, right?

I stabbed a dragon in its stupid fat face and it melted.  Somehow nobody ever thinks this is strange which makes me wonder if other animals do this.  If I, the dragonborn, can absorb dragon souls, I don't see why there shouldn't be a rabbitborn or a pandaborn.  I mean, dragons are noble, magical beasts?  My arse.  They're arson-loving brutes.  Terrorists, I'd call them.  Not like those mudcrabs.  Stalwart warriors, ever ready to defend their homes and families from any invader, no matter the size, no matter the overwhelming odds.

Forget this, I'm gonna be mudcrabborn!

I went into a tomb with a magic blue light in it.  I didn't know what all that was about, so I decided to do what comes naturally and jump in it.  This is why I don't play Call of Cthulhu.  That went sort of well for a while.

 Just because I'm a hero doesn't mean I can't enjoy myself, y'know.  I wish people would stop being so uptight about all this duty and honour and crap.  I mean, I am still a human, thanks very much, I still need to have time for leisure.

And then I found a book.
"Blah, blah, raiding, blah, jumped onto the cairn, blah, blah, blood sacrifice..."

Suddenly, jumping on that cairn became far more hilarious.  Apparently Dragonbjorn is immune to ghostly compulsions and probably curses, too.  Which means he must have a decent will save and he's sure as hell not a cleric, so...

I'm a paladin?

Guess I'd better find a new god then, 'cause I sure as hell can't worship Thor any more.  Not after what I said.

Well, the Internet says that Hephaistos is the god of swords, so I suppose that'll do since there isn't a god of looting pubs and orphanages.

Not until Dragonbjorn ascends beyond his mortal shell and takes his rightful place in the Nordic pantheon, anyway.

Better get to work, then.  Excuse me sir, have you a few moments to hear the good news about-

 Ah, silly me, you're already a convert.  Well, that's wonderful news!  Spread the word, friend!

Wow, I feel a lot more comfortable with myself now!  No more compulsions to murder children or anything!

I'll end on one last picture, of a ghost that I shot with some arrows but somehow the arrows were stuck in the ghost.  GHOSTS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY.

Thought for the day:
I wonder if I would better serve Hephaistos by weilding two swords or one BIG one.  I sort of like my shield.  Maybe I can justify it by saying that the shield turns aside maces and axes, the tools of the deceiver.  Yeah, that sounds great.

And remember folks, sharing and/or subscribing is caring!  Or whatever! 

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