Wednesday, 22 May 2013

DAY 9: Innocence lost

I was wandering around town trying to increase my smithing by creating 50 daggers.  I'm not sure how creating daggers makes me good at making boots, but it does and that's that.  I found myself short on funds, so I travelled to a vendor to sell my delicious potions.

I should mention my potions.  See, I'm trying to find out what every alchemy ingredient does, so I'm kind of banging them all together.  On the one hand, I'm getting a lot of alchemy levels but on the other, I wind up making a lot of potions of magic regen that also paralyse you.  I figure I can probably use these as bait in some kind of man trap or something later on.

But anyways, I wander in to a trader, sell all my gear and then sneak up behind her and pilfer her things.

Suddenly it hits me.  This wasn't even a conscious action.  I used to only pickpocket people who wore fancy hats and looked like they had a lot of money, but I found myself reaching into the pocket of the kindly, friendly potion shop lady who keeps asking how my health is and suggesting I look after myself.  She's been nothing but kindness itself to me and here I am, hand in her pocket just looting her.

I stopped and took a long look at myself after that one, I can tell you.  Thankfully, these silly feelings of guilt soon passed and I went on to loot many other innocent people.

Onward then, to avarice!

I went to the mages' college.  People don't seem to like them and I think this is because they are all awesome wizards and the people of the surrounding town have magic envy.  That's okay, I think, it's hard to live in the shadow of someone else, espcially when that someone else is throwing fireballs and generally having a lot more fun than you, but it's not nice to be a poor sport about it.  I feared a peasant uprising, but thankfully the town of Magechester had, like, 4 bumpkins and two guards.  Not a big threat.

As you can see above, the mages' college has a goat as part of its student body.  It might be a mascot or something for their quidditch team?  God alone knows, but I didn't kill it in case it was the archmage practicing his alteration magic, because you don't stab archmages.  They're real dicks about that kind of thing.

I fancied a wash after all this vigorous running about and killing things, so I jumped in what looked like a fountain made of magical light.  I don't know if this was a disrespectful thing to do but nobody complained so I went ahead and bounced around a bit.

I investigated and found all kinds of useful things!  They even had a dungeon in their toilets!  I don't know why I opened the door leading to the midden, but I figured there might be treasures down there or something because otherwise why would it even be a named location?
I found this guy down there.  There was some kind of story associated with him about some kids who'd tried to harness magic that was too powerful for them and they'd got themselves transported to hell or whatever.  Big deal.  The way things are going, Dragonbjorn is most certainly going to hell and quite soon, too, so maybe I can rescue them or something.

The demon was all like "you can't save them, man, their souls are stuck in Oblivion but maybe you'd be cool and do me a favour or whatever" and I was all like "Dragonbjorn does not give in to the demands of terrorists!  Have at you, foul spawn of the darkest pit!" and I stabbed him SO hard.  He was quite the pushover!

 Then I looked him up on a wiki and it turned out that he gives you some pretty good swag if you help him.  And I figured that there wasn't a way to save those kids anyway, so I may as well restore my save and take his silly quest.  Dragonbjorn is now a murderer, thief, bar brawler, trespasser, butterfly mutilator and now a demon sympathiser.

When I arrive in hell, I am going to have my own frigging COUNTY.

I summoned him with this thing.  I had to put 5 magic rings on a hand and he popped up.  So let that be a lesson kids, if you have 5 rings, you summon Captain Planet but with 4, you get sucked into hell and your soul is damned for all eternity.  And that is why they let that kid with the power of Heart hang out with them, even though Heart is the worst superpower since everything Aquaman has ever done in the history of forever.

Also, he filled a nice ethnic minority hole.  You don't see enough Southern Americans on 90s cartoons (except Lost City of Gold).  Very forward thinking.

I went on a magic lesson and knocked down a door with the power of my mind, because that is how you solve your problems when you are Dragonbjorn: master elementalist.

Added "Demon summoner" to the list of felonies?  Yep, got that noted down here...

I found some guy at the end of the magic lesson who was basically invincible.  No matter how hard I hit him, he didn't register at all.  I was beginning to regret my 50 levels of alchemy and enchanting.  Thankfully, I was able to summon the fire lady and Benny Hill my way through the entire combat while she burned the flesh off his bones.  We were going to fist bump, but then she went back to hell.  When I get there, I think I'll marry her.

I think her name is Claire.  We'll have the most beautiful children.

I don't know what this is at all, but my teacher thought it was a big deal so we went to look at it for a bit.  I think I was supposed to tell the headmaster about this, but I went off to do a quest for the librarian instead.  It has just occurred to me that I've left that teacher in this frozen hellhole of a ruin now for at least 5 days, that he is of quite an advanced age and that he had no food or water.

"Manslaughter".  Check.

I learned how to cut people's heads off.  It seemed like a good idea.  Here you can see one of these heads and how it offers me the "Search" action.  It turns out that he kept an entire suit of armour in there!  I find that really funny.  I mean, just think about that for a moment.  An entire suit of armour in his mouth.  If you're not smiling a little bit right now, really think about it and if you're still not smiling, it might be because you're more mature than me.

I killed a lady and she proceeded to duckface me.  That was sort of awesome.

Then I accidentally found a den of vampires.  They were sort of tough.  I killed them all and found they had an entire bookcase full of shoes.  I thought you usually kept those things on shoe racks or in closets.  Under the bed at worst.  I think I need to learn some carpentry because there's an obvious niche in the market.

Then I found a giant camp.  They were chilling out and stuff, but one of them saw me looting his chest and got all pissy about it.  Not my fault mate, you left it out in the open and at least I'm going to put it to good use unlike those bandits.  Him and his mate chased me a good half kilometer and I was running out of stamina, so we had a little discussion about their anger issues.  Then I shot them a bunch of times.  They were carrying quite a lot of gold!

I took a photo from inside a dragon's breath.  It was pretty cool until he killed me.  Some kind of poetic justice there, methinks.

Oh, this guy.  This is the scariest guy in all of Skyrim.  He walks up to me, all casual like, and offers me a mead.  I have a few immediate thoughts:
  • Why is he partying in this bear infested waste?
  • Why is he offering strangers mead?
  • Is he going to mug me when I'm drunk?
  • Is this mead poisoned?
  • Will his three mates jump me?
I genuinely walked away from him without turning my back, but it seemed like he genuinely did just want to party.  Needless to say, I didn't drink that mead.  It's like the time I found a beef stroganoff mix packet under my windscreen wiper, I appreciated the thought but I just didn't want to eat unidentified free food.


I quickly learned that it is far easier to Fus Roh Dah bears off of mountains than it is to hit them.  Funny, too.

I finished today by going to the thief village.  That Kitten place, I guess.  Funny that the sign was so far back in my adventure because Riften was like 20 fuggin' miles away.  I think I'll fit in here!

Thought for the day
I think I need to stop being a dick to people.  They've gone from hiring thugs to hiring assassins.  This seems a bit much.  I mean, for the majority of the time I just steal gems and stuff.  The cost of hiring a trained killer have to be astronomical.

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