Tuesday, 14 May 2013

DAY 8: Descent into madness

Let's start with some new gear.  First, there's my freeze ray.

With this, I will stop (the world).

Next, there's my dear Stephanie.

She's so fine.

Aaand since they haven't been pictured yet, the fork of truth and the lute of avarice, united at last.  They're having a strange effect on my moral compass.

So I went dungeon diving.  I enjoy that a lot.  I opened a portcullis or something which seemed to upset this guy but I didn't care about that.  I mean, he was dead and all.

And then I got violated by a dragon.

At this point I cursed my encumberance.  I had fast travelled to a town with no general store and almost had to dump the dragon's bones.  Wasn't a problem in the end though.  I went into a mine for a while and learned nothing.

Then I went back to the home of Sven Beardforger and returned his mighty horn.  The nice man told me I was a true dragonborn, which was nice because it's not like I've proved that to EVERYONE or anything but it's always good to be recognised for your achievements.  He then said his mates were going to shout at me, which is a process that most men don't survive...

Well, eff you too, buddy.

A bit more spelunking.  I found a nice man in the starting city who was talking about a cave.  I don't remember the name, shimmersham cavern or whatever.  From now on, it will be named the Cave of Bitter Frustration because I totally died like 7 times in there.

I found Smeagol.  I stabbed him in the throat and he fell over with his hand over his throat which I thought was quite funny.

Then it turned out there was an entire race of Smeagols and that they had this godawful civilisation or something.  Seriously, everything these people make is revolting.  I nearly threw up in my mouth a little.

I mean it's a house made of like a living ribcage or something.  What the hell?

I stole one of their shield.  It looked like a turd with a crab claw on it, but it was better than what I already had.  God knows how it was better, but I picked it up anyway.  It... looks kind of sticky.

I went on a bit further and found out where the people of Skyrim get their melange from.

And then spider eggs.  "Gee", I thought, "spiders.  I can handle spiders.  And they're giving me so may eggs that I'm going to be gaining alchemy experice out the ASS.  Thanks, spiders!"

They proceeded to kill me 5 times.

This injustice did not go unpunished.  I am Dragonbjorn, deliverer of judgement, scourge of the arachnid menace.

And then the bastards brought out their golem.

I mean come on, really?!  I got this dungeon location from a man in the newbie town.  Noobville.  Tutorialberg.  Why would you even do-

Oh, ha.  He can't get out of that room.


I then walked into a house made of bloom.

And I found a treasure chest with some sort of magic egg in it.  I picked it up because it had a unique name and a low encumberance, so I figured it was some kind of future quest item.  I was just walking out of that dungeon, annoyed that my great treasure was an axe with some kind of undead turning enchantment when someone started yelling at me.

I looked around.  Nobody there.  Hmm.  Well, that was terrifying.

She yelled again.  Apparently she owned the egg.  She said that if I returned it, she would use me as her divine tool to cleanse the land.

Dragonbjorn decided that this was a quest.

I'm genuinely concerned about this.  The boy is starting to show some very significant symptoms of schizophrenia.  He is hearing voices, they are telling him to kill and he is obeying them.  I don't want to act on this but... well, it's a quest.  You have to do quests.  That's what they're for.

 I'm in some trouble here.

I will obey, my Queen.  Together, we will purge the land of the unworthy, the 8 legged terrors that plague it.  Perhaps when we're done, we can move on to the bipeds.  Such an orgy of blood and gore will never have been seen since long before Uriel Septim's reign.  The skies will turn crimson as the fruits of my labour cascade from every mountaintop, staining the land with rich, warm...


 I made some more stuff!

And I apparently found the Queen of Hearts.  That was pretty funny.  She didn't have much to say.

Then I found this thing in Whiterun.  It posed me a few questions.

Chief among them was a pretty simple one.  In a world where the dead walk the earth on a regular basis, thirsting to end the warmth of the living, why would you A) bury all your dead in one place and B) put that place in the middle of your enormous walled city?

This is exactly the kind of shit that Romero was trying to warn us about.  I think tomorrow I'm going to go in there and start some fires.  Y'know, just to be on the safe side.  They'll thank me for it in time.

Then I found the king of the resistance.  I don't know why they had a king, but I took his chair.

All hail Dragonbjorn, lord and master of the all the lands of Albion

And finally, this thing was pretty funny:

Thought for the day
I really hope that I can't learn to smith Falmer stuff.  I don't want to go harvesting poop.

No comments:

Post a Comment